|April 14, 2000 - Vancouver, BC
Bush credits gay Republicans
George W. Bush: afflicted no longer
AUSTIN Texas Gov. George W. Bush is a changed man today, free of the ailments that have plagued him for decades. And he says it's all because of the mystical healing powers of gay Republicans.
"The moment I shook hands with one of them, my sciatica cleared up and my ears stopped ringing," said the de facto Republican presidential nominee.
"By the time the meeting was over and it only lasted an hour, mind my rotator cuff was as limber as a 12-year-old's."
Bush then embraced delegation leader Chad Chadderwick III, and ruffled the Boston-based investment banker's hair. "See?" a delighted Bush said. "Full range of motion."
Chadderwick confirmed that gay Republicans have long had paranormal medical abilities, "focused mainly on the neuromusculoskeletal system."
He added, "Lesbian Republicans have similar mystical abilities, although these tend to be more highly developed in the digestive and endocrine fields."
Bush greets a veteran of undetermined sexuality.
But Chadderwick warned that not all lesbian and gay Republicans are using their amazing powers for good.
Log Cabin Republicans the party's gay and lesbian wing is experimenting "with dermatology, the respiratory system and even immune response. And it's been a total disaster.
"Look at that poor Mr. McCain. One meeting with the Log Cabin people, and he came out with psoriasis and a plantar wart," Chadderwick said. "Gov. Bush is right to steer clear of them."